I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
