after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
