I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
