somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
