after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
