God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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