hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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