i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
