I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She's JV to your varsity
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
