Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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