There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
