my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
