guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
