Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
