My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
