I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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