i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
