I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
