oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
