i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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