New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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