u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
