Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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