gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize