girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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