I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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