It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
