You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
