soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
