Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
