I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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