So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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