is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
