i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
