YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
