Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize