"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
