based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
