I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
