i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Randomize
