There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
