It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
