After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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