i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
