i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
