Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
