3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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