We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
