There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize