i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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