He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
