I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize