I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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