Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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