I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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