Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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