He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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