I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
