I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
