Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
